NAMInurse

My dog has been driving me nuts the past couple weeks. I don’t know what her deal is and I need to figure out before she gets too crazy. She’s just too excitable and because she is huge she ends up hurting me a lot. Good thing she’s so cute! Speaking of animals I rode a horse today that I am looking into buying. I shouldn’t be spending the moneys but I really want to get back into riding. I think I could curb some other habits (like spending too much on food) and make it work…

This Christmas was great. Got to spend time with my family and my boyfriend. Our families met for the first time and it went well :) A couple nights ago the bf started talking about us and his feelings. He said that he felt at home here with me and he hasn’t felt at home for a long time. He also said that he looks at the house and backyard and sees it in 20 years. It made me so happy I was tearing up. He is so good to me and makes me happy, I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend.

Last night I worked my second 16 hour shift in a row. Our unit had a mini riot and we had 4 guys in seclusion. It was so stressful, I thank god I was in the med room, but that is also a problem. I am pretty much under a lot of scruitiny. I put myself in the position too which sucks. Its to the point where they might write me up and I could be fired if they want to push anything. I also feel like because I have been so frustrated and out of sorts I’m losing friends at work. I am doing this to myself too which is the most frustrating.

So a lot has happened in the past few weeks. I moved into a new house and got my dog back. My bf has been living with me which is cool. He has been a huge help and support to me. Its so weird to me to just feel that I actually have someone who will be there no matter what. The new house is great and the dogs are getting along. In other news its been a rough time mentally for me. I have to deal with the fact that I have found out I am bipolar. Deciding what to do to control the problem is a huge decision. And either way it means that I will not be able to have kids of my own. Period. I cannot go off meds. I tried to switch and lower a few weeks ago and I flew off the handle. Its not what I want. It seems like its either be crazy bitchy or depressed. Life always throws you for a loop…

Yesterday I was in a funk. I’m not sure exactly what my deal is. Its either my new meds aren’t working or I’m just under a lot of stress from work and moving/buying a house. My boyfriend is hurt as well and that’s made me anxious. I’m scared that if its jsut situational I will make things bad in our relationship. If its meds I’m terrified that I will go so far down before I get better I won’t make it this time. I’ve been super bossy and bitchy to my bf, and last night there were bed issues on my end. Pretty much I’m scared I’m pushing him away and I don’t know if he will want to stay with my craziness, plus with the bed issues, why wouldn’t he want someone he could have a normal sex life with? I’m overwhelmed right now.

This week was so stressful at work. I could not keep my cool at most times and have probably made some big mistakes in dealing with coworkers to the point of being reprimanded. I had 2 dr appointments yesterday and took my bf to the dr. Now I’m sitting in the ER because he is in so much pain he can’t talk and his back is spasming .

My bf came home early from work today because he was hit by a patient. I’m not sure how bad he actually is cuz he doesn’t tell me much. His neck is jacked up and it hurts pretty bad. We will see what happens at work because of it. This is scarey. Makes me worry every day that something serious can happen to someone I care about that can’t be fixed…

A few nights ago my boyfriend and I had a serious discussion. I came home from a bad day at work and he was in a BAD mood. One of those you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed kind. We ended up going to dinner and the discussion came up about what he’s gonna do when I move and have friends over (from work). His response was “not be there”. So my natural reply was to ask if he was just going to hide forever. He said “well yeah or until we aren’t on the same unit”. This was after a few comments about how I can’t go a day with out pissing off someone at work. Akward silence ensued. When we got home he apologized and said that he doesn’t like sneaking around and it sucks but there is nothing else we can really do at this point. He then apologized for being such a dick and said that I didn’t deserve it and was “awesome”.
Tonight I asked him if he was going to move in with me when I move because he was talking about moving out of his moms place. His answer was basically yes, but he is still trippin off the ex and how she kicked him out. This is just getting harder and harder because I know he wants to be with me and I want to be with him but we are both so damn gun shy from our last relationships that it makes it hard to fully trust and plan for being together long term. Plus work makes everything worse on top of it all…

On my weekend finally. Its gonna be a nice break since there was lots of drama and stress at work. Slowly realizing that I’m moving in a few weeks… its so crazy! I’m so happy about it and still won’t believe it till I’m actually in the house. I’ve been planning how I’m going to organize the rooms and how I want to paint… I just don’t think I’m going to want to paint my self. Lol. I just have to convince my BF that he wants to move in and it won’t affect work since he’s still freaked that people are going to find out. Any suggestions on cool stuff I should do with a new place are welcome :)

So I went to the doctor today and he wants to change my meds. I finally gave in and decided to do it. Its only one med he’s changing. Its all due to the fact that I have been having days where my muscles feel so fatigued that I have to force my self to walk or move. I’ve even come home and been so achy I tear up and curl up on the bed. The dr thinks its due to depression so he’s giving me effexor to help with the depression and pain. I’m scared because I don’t want to go off and get depressed/crazy again. My bf has been amazing but I don’t want to do or say something crazy that makes him leave. He’s super sensitive and I have to be careful when I get upset because I can say a lot of things that come out wrong.

The past couple days have really made me contemplate life decisions I thought I made. My BF has made random joking comments about us having kids and he knows that I want to adopt. I have been seriously thinking about if it would work for me to have kids. The answer at this point I think is that besides all the physical issues the main thing I’m scared of is screwing up the relatinship permanently. It would be putting a TON on someone to take care of me while pregnant. I would be so moody and could be massively depressed I wouldn’t be able to function. I don’t want to do that to someone knowingly…